December 2015 - summary

It's the end of 2015. 31st December.

My understanding of my anger has increased. So has my intolerance of discontent and malfunction in my relationship with Kevin.

I am very aware of how much more in control and mindful I am able to be in daily life if I take the time to meditate.

I'm also aware that Pema's admonition to exercise patience is not on the forefront of my mind at times when I need to use it.

I am getting better at speaking well at times when I need to or waiting until I am less emotionally volatile.

The new challenges are all around patience and speaking with a kind heart, and not with defensiveness or bitterness.

January: patience and NOT speaking

February: speaking with clear and kind motives and will take things forward, not send them backward

October 2015: Learning About My Anger

6/10/15
For October, I'll be learning about my Anger. My tools are Pema Chodren's 'Don't Bite the Hook' lectures, and Thich Nhat Hanh's audio book 'Anger: Buddhist Wisdom for Cooling the Flames'. 

From 'Don't Bite the Hook'
Shantideva: 
v.1 Good works gathered in a thousand ages, such as deeds of generosity, or offerings to the blissful ones, a single flash of anger shatters them.
v. 2 No evil (or hatred) is there similar to anger. No austerity to be compared with patience. Steep yourself, therefore, in patience, and always, urgently with zeal. 
V. 3-5 Those tormented by the pain of anger will never know tranquility of mind. Strangers they will be to every pleasure. Sleep departs them; they can never rest. 
v. 4-5 Noble chieftains, full of hate, will be attacked and slain by even those who look to them for honours and possessions. From family and friends estranged, and shunned by those attracted by their bounty. Men of anger have no joy, forsaken by all happiness and peace.

Pema Chodron:
Next time you get irked, notice -- are you comfortable? is your state of mind, state of body at ease? are you fueling the flame? 

Take this as medicine.... every time you get angry or feel aggression, use that as fuel to choose something different. 

questions: 

1. When I feel anger or irksome feelings rise in me, what is the state of my body and mind? 
2. Am I able to stop fanning the flames of anger, but cool them with patience? 

Launch: a one-year experiment in improving relationships

I've just turned 41. 

Over the past year I've been doing a character-building experiment, loosely following a programme devised by Benjamin Franklin, to focus on particular personal qualities and work at enhancing them. 

At the same time, I have delved into my meditation practice more and more, and found myself a little frustrated that I'm not achieving results through both these methods of becoming a more contented person. I think I have a clue as to why. 

A friend of mine, who also happens to be a bit of an expert on mindfulness, told me a couple months ago that true creativity is blocked by anger. Any amount of anger can cause real problems for the brain when it is trying to be creative. 

I also know that anger is a huge issue in my most significant relationship, with my husband, and also affects other relationships too. I am too quick to respond with emotion, and on investigation, it seems there is a lot of anger underneath those emotions. 

All along my journey with mindfulness and with character-building, I have had the aim of building a better relationship with my husband. If I can do that, I will certainly have the tools to have better relationships with others. I don't know where this journey will take me, but it seems a false step to prescribe that journey and anticipate what I will work myself through over the coming year. 

I propose to spend approximately one month working on a particular aspect of my 'self' and how I relate/respond to others. Every month (or more often if needed) I'll check back in to see what I've learned, what the next step seems to be. 

Anger seems a good place to start.